Love that chicken from Popeye's

Don't you just hate when people take food on the plane 🙄

Lady sitting in 11A had her tray down with an entire Popeye's meal 🍗 🌽 🍛 --chicken breast, rice and beans, biscuit and corn on the cob. She's trying to be discreet because people are coming in and it's like she's on display because apparently, no one has seen a person eat on a plane before. She's obviously hungry.

The corn, as you may know if you're a Popeye's lover, is soft and sweet and the juices tend to spray. To eat without spraying is an art.

She has no drink because she was foolish enough to think Delta would leave on time and she would have a drink then. She chokes a little on some crispy skin. Lordy!

She just dropped bean gravy on her shirt. Geez! Now she's searching for more napkins. She didn't take enough. Silly woman.

She must be hungry though-had a long day. She doesn't lick her fingers, even though I'm sure she wants to but that would be uncoothed. She leaves half the corn uneaten because the guy beside her is staring. I know she's mad.

She wipes her fingers, tries to dab the stain on her blouse and ties the bag closed. Satisfied, she leans back and turns the overhead fan on to blow the chicken aroma away. This lady has some consideration.

We were just told the flight is delayed because the tire has a slash in it and needs to be changed, so she picks up her phone and starts posting on Facebook about a woman eating Popeye's on her flight. 😏

Hand's up if you love that chicken from Popeye's 🙋🏽

Let's make music together..not!!

I know chocolate is addictive but come on. Boarded my flight from Nashville to Atlanta. As usual, I was minding my own business; you know me😏

I just finished up my complaint email to Delta about yet another delay when I feel the piercing heat. He's staring at me and it's unfortunately my good side that's facing him. 

'Are you okay?' he asked.

I say yes. 

He then introduces himself and tells me I have a nice smile. I quickly try to decide if I'm in the mood for idle chit chat. I foolishly decide I am and say thanks.

Flood gate opens and now he knows what I do, that I'm Jamaican and he has to go there, that I like Nashville and that Music Row is great. Damn!

'You should take me there,' he says and I smile. 

I can see this is going to be the longest 34 minutes flight ever so I pretend I'm nervous when I fly and close the shade and my eyes.

This dude, during some wicked turbulence, grabs my knee and asks if I'm okay. 😳

Now, if you know me, you know I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations and I immediately start sweating. What do I do? Make a scene and get thrown off mid flight or stay calm and count the minutes. I remain calm and move my knee. Delta keeps their seats skinny people friendly so it's a task for me.

'So, are we on for next week?' he asks again. I tell him if he sees me in Nashville, sure. We're landing, thank you Jesus. He has a connection so I know he's going to rush off the plane. Wrong!!!

I wait in my seat until he's gone, let people go by, giving him time to vamoose. He's waiting for me at the top of the jetway. Wth?!!!

'I think we should exchange numbers', he says. I tell him my fiancé wouldn't approve. That gets the job done, or so I thought. I tell him to have a safe flight and I jet into restroom. Safe!!!

Not! I come out and he's standing there. 😳😳

I go back in and wait and wait and now I escape. He's gone. Wow!!! Anybody know this dude?

I met him on the plane. His name is George and he stole my heart. He has the sweetest, warmest face. We talked for the two hour flight and I hardly understood anything he said but I pretended to because it made him smile. He asked me where I lived and my name and was genuinely interested. He kept asking the flight attendant for cookies and stashed them away in his hat, saying he liked cookies and crackers with tea. I watched as he took one out of his hiding place and snuck it into my hand whispering, 'I love cookies but I want to share my cookie with you. Save one for later to have with some tea.' I took the cookie. I smiled inside. I asked George how old he was and he said he didn't know. He said he didn't remember much these days. I was listening to John Legend and he took my phone and listened with me. You should have seen how happy he was. At one point, George asked if we were still moving or if we had stopped. I pointed to the clouds outside and said we were still moving. His conversation was soothing and so sweet. And then he did it. He asked if my phone was a camera. I said yes. He said, 'Take a picture of me so you can remember me.' I almost lost it. He grabbed my hand and took one of my silver bracelets so he could remember me. He said he'd see me next year and that we'd met before. It made me wonder if God keeps sending me the same angel in different forms.

I don't know what George did 20 years ago. I don't know if George beat his wife or was a rehabilitated killer. I don't know if George was racist or hated animals. All I know is that George's angelic face and smile was exactly what I needed today and when he hugged me and asked if he made me happy today, I squeezed him, told him yes and just said Thank you Lord.

Anything for Junior's cheesecake

On Southwest this morning, going from NY to Atl. This guy decided to sit in the middle seat between me, a good sized human and the lady at the window, another good sized human. He's a good sized human. There are seats everywhere.

Now, here he is, jacket still on, a big bag of food, a large drink, a Junior's cheesecake in a box and bag and his laptop open and on, watching CNN. My God man! Where is the travel etiquette?

And he has the nerve to ask if I want half of his bagel-egg-and cheese. I was so upset. Why didn't he ask if I wanted cheesecake?😡

Oh yeah, and a lady tried to open the exit door , in flight, thinking it was the bathroom.
#travelshenanigans

Turbulence, the great equalizer

When race and gender doesn't matter: during turbulence on a flight.

I proved that tonight when the same white guy, who gave me the stink eye and didn't help as I struggled to get my bag in the overhead, grabbed and held my hand through the unexpected and horribly long bumps.

I just told him to relax and it would be alright.
#gottariseabovethehate

Common ground

Just a minute of your time, please. #soapbox #airplanechronicles

I'm not always a good 'judge' of character. 

I was having a crappy day, dreading going back to work this week because I had such a restful and long weekend. I got to the airport with anxiety build up because I didn't want to leave home and Lila didn't either. She flies twice a week and has to be exhausted, if I am. 

I boarded the flight and I'd been upgraded again. My seat was 2F, the window seat, by the exit, beside this older gentleman. I immediately thought he would give me the stare down, judge me, and the flight to Chicago would be tense. 

Before I could sit, he said, 'hi neighbor'. I smiled because I usually do that kind of stuff. I was struggling to get Lila under my seat. Under 2F is smaller than other seats. He saw me struggling and offered to move 'his' bag from under 'his' seat so that Lila would be comfy. He didn't know I had a dog in there but he saw me struggling. 

After thanking him and getting my act together, I settled in and ordered a Bloody Mary. Bill, as I later found out his name was, asked if Atl was home. I told him yes and he asked how I felt about the loss yesterday. I smiled and said I was unaffected. It wasn't my usual Kelly smile though. It was an 'alternative' smile. 

He saw the bag move and asked if I had a dog in there. I said yes. This gentleman and I talked for about 40 minutes until he fell asleep. Turns out Bill had flown into Atl, from Chicago, this morning, and was flying back to Chicago now.  We talked about Lila and his dog Peaches, who had passed away while being spayed at 6 months. I cried and he held back tears. Dog people will understand. 

I say all this to say a few things. If you were paying attention, you picked up on them all. 

• I judged a stranger who I thought would judge me. I made him a mean person without reason. 

• I was being ungrateful. I was upset about going back to work, instead of being grateful I had said job, a job that has afforded me so many great opportunities. 

• This man had been on a plane three times today, was exhausted but still found it opportune to be nice and in a good mood. I had slept all weekend. 

• I was upgraded and almost lost how good a gift that was. Bloody Marys, snacks and a comfy seat. It also meant I'd exit much sooner and Lila could pee sooner as well.

• I almost allowed my stupid pride and  independence leave Lila uncomfortable under a tight seat for 1.5 hrs. 

• This stranger and I shared the most dearest thing to my heart, the love for and sudden loss of a pet. ❤️ 

Am I usually a complaining asshole?  No. But today, I was. I let what I thought was a not so great day bleed into the rest of my life. Life is horribly short and full of surprises guys, both good and bad. Choose which to fuel. 

Own your faults.

Appreciate, love, accept and humbly receive or you'll be left missing all your blessings. 

Happy Monday all!

#findthatcommonthread

Code word is 'Popeye's' stupid!

Code word 'Popeye's'

I'm sitting at C14, waiting to board and the smell wafting from Moe's

next door is intoxicating-and I'm starving because I hadn't eaten all

day save for a grapefruit and a tangerine. I'd had an emotional

weekend and I either eat everything or nothing at all when I'm

emotionally challenged.

So, I fall prey to the ethnic aroma and head on over to Moe's. Hmmm, I

want something satifying but low cal. I lol because that's an oxymoron

if ever I heard one-low cal at Moe's. Hilarious!

"I'll have a burrito", I tell the handsome gentleman. I tell him beef

when he asks what meat I want...thoughts ran wild for a second.

Anyhoo, I tell the other not as handsome fella to pack it in,

"everything, please, including jalepenos." I'm salivating at that

point. I pay and head on to my gate just in time. We're boarding.

I'm in 1A. My regular was already taken. Here's why I mention that.

Everyone knows row 1seats have no underneath section for your stuff so

you have to put everything in the overhead. Daggit! I like going in

and out of my bag. Lip gloss if I need to slick the puckers. Hand

sanitizer, especially tonight. But, I'll follow directions. I put my

stuff overhead.

My aisle 1 seatmate sees me and tells whoever he's on the phone with

he'll call them back and gives me the biggest smile. Negro, please.

You're so not my type. And as he was about to get up and offer

unnecessary help, I firmly let him know, "I'm ok, thanks."

I relax in and Mac daddy gets back on his phone. Did I mention he's

Jamaican but he doesn't know I am-foreshadowing baby ;-) I open up my

Moe's bag and make a mental note to ask my FB peeps how they feel

about Moe's thing with throwing random tortilla chips in the bag with

your burrito. I open my yummy burrito (pictured below) and wipe the

saliva from my chin (j/k) and take a bite. Yes, I love food.

This is a long story for one simple point at which you'll shake your

head and say, "Kelly, you're crazy."

So, I'm in heaven, eating my beautiful burrito and I hear Mr.

Notverymacdaddy go, "Hey, you memba me worst nightmare pan de plane?"

to whomever is on the phone. Immediately, I know what he's trying to

tell his 'friend'. But the friend isn't getting it. So, dude pulls the

phone from his mouth and tries to whisper, "Popeye's". Now, we all

know that trick. When you're talking about someone beside you, you use

your phone like a walkie talkie. Stupid. So, after he says Popeye's

five more times, I start to smile, turn to him and ask, "Is my burrito

bothering you?" He damn near dies of shock. Why? Couple of things. I'm

Jamaican, for one and I figured out your oh so difficult codeword,

where Popeye's stand for 'people eating beside me on the plane'. I

wanted to say to him, 'you need a new friend and code word because they had no idea

what you were talking about and I'm from yawd too fool' but I didn't.

Instead, I listened to him stutter out, "just a bit." Patois is now gone.

I laugh because I take a good look at this fool beside me, who just

asked the flight attendant for a seatbelt extension (which I didn't

even know existed until s few months ago) and think that he had some

nerve. He's sitting there, looking like he just ate five burritos and

the Mexicans who made them. I bet you he was mad because he didn't

have one. And, besides, I made sure not to get onions as in 'the close

talker' just in case I met the future Mr. _____Fleming (he'll

hyphenate. Lol, I'm stupid) or just in case I have a visitor late

night tonight or early morning. You know how onions stick to your craw

and that's not sexy.

So, after Mr. Hater (see how his name changes as we go) pulls his chin

off the floor, I suggest that he turn on the fan thing above his ugly,

bald head because I'm not going stop getting my grub on for him. He

does and tells his friend he has to go.

I'm not rude. I promise. Well, not without reason....and I was hungry.

I respect you more if you just speak directly to me instead of

dropping hints, not saying it would have stopped me from eating my

burrito but I may have eaten just a half instead ;-)

Why black people should not be allowed to fly.....(okay, some black people)

Oh, please let them not be sitting beside or around me on this flight!!!!

As is always the case, black people have to act up when in public. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s an ego thing. Is it insecurity? Do we/they have to show that we’re up to snuff? Well, it seems to be rampant in Atlanta-among the young people. Okay, maybe not young, per se, but young-minded. I would say it has to do with a lack of education but I have not interviewed all young, black Atlantans, so I don’t know. I could assume that because educated people do not act as if they have no sense. Well, none that I know.

So, I got to Midway, just in the nick of time. I was told there was only one standby seat left and if I didn’t make it, I could try for the 3 0’clock flight. Nah! I’m making the 12:15. I got into the TSA line and heard the announcement, “all passengers on AirTran’s flight 25 to Atlanta, please report to gate A14 for an on time departure. I felt my skin start to heat up. I have to get home early today. Got business to take care of.
I’m headed to the ‘short line’ for Elite passengers and am wondering, ‘what’s the point?’ The line seems to be just as long as the regular lines but then I see why.

Yep! Black folk acting up. There they were, this ‘gang’ of what looked like five, yelling at the top of their lungs, trying to tell the TSA agent why they should allow them to go through with their McDonald’s. Okay, listen here. If I didn’t make it through with my gravy, it ain’t happening ;-) The TSA agent is telling them that they can’t bring liquids and that what’s in the bags are okay, but that’s it. “What the F should I wash my food down with fool?” one of the ‘civilized people’ says. The TSA just looks on in embarrassment. I had to stop for a minute-yes, I was a little late, but…..

The poor TSA agent had to almost beg and plead with one young gentleman to remove all the gaudy, fake jewelry he had around his neck and on his fingers. He finally did. And when they had to take their belts off, I could feel everyone tense up because their pants were already hanging below their behinds so with no belt, who knows what might pop out. Man, I tell you! Black folk!!!!

I go through TSA and haul ass to the gate. No Lance in sight. Daggit! But, I hear his voice over the P.A. system. He’s at Gate A16 and I’m wishing I was going to Orlando instead of Atlanta-not really. Just kidding. I walk up to the podium and tell the lady there that I’m on standby. She smiles and hands me a ticket without asking for my name. I’m getting Lance a damn cape-SuperDude! I look over to gate A16 and he smiles at me and waves. Man, I tell you! Love him! He hooked me up again.

So, I get on and no business class this time but I get the seat right behind 3D, lots of leg room so I can stretch out. Someone’s in my seat. I give her the ‘you’re in my seat look’ and she looks at her boarding pass and says, ‘oh yeah, I’m in 20D, not 10D’. Really? C’mon now! Two other people are beside me and I suppose the woman who just got up prompted them to check their boarding passes. Yep, they’re in the wrong seats too. I tell you boy! So, they get up and move over the other side.

All’s well at this point, we’re taxiing and everything and then we take off. “Oh sh#t! Oh sh#t!” is all I hear from the guy beside me. He looks to be about nineteen and the woman with him, soon to find out, is his mom. He’s carrying on and I pray it’s because it’s his first time on a plane and she’s not making it any better, pulling his collar, trying to get him to look out the window. “Nah son! Ma, stop!” is what he’s yelling and I’m looking around, praying that no one thinks I am, in any way, related to these fools. This mess goes on for a little while longer and then, the OTHER black people in rows 12-16 start clapping and cheering on the mom to force the son to look out the window. He’s getting louder and is about to take his seatbelt off and go God only knows where, when finally, the flight attendant comes up and asks him to sit quietly and turns and gives rows 12-16 ‘the look’. They settle down. And, I'm so happy because I don't do well in stressful situations, especially on board a plane.

The son settles down, pushes his mom off him and reaches down into his bag. He takes out a stack of papers. Yep, I’m nosey, so I look over. He’s written a rap and I guess that’s what’s going to keep him calm for the remainder of the flight. Whatever works because I feel a migraine coming on. And his rap went a little like this:
‘F what you heard, ya’ll ni$$as can’t see me
Stop watching me and stay watching TV
If you ain’t ‘bout the money, don’t even look my way
I stay fly and straight gangsta every mutha&$*k*$ day’
And then I look away because I’m getting dizzy and because the rap is ‘straight wack’. LOL!
Okay, I’m nauseous now after writing this. Too much going on around me, but I had to share with you guys. Peace.

My airport Boothang!

IF ONLY HE REALLY KNEW.....

He made me smile and tear up at the same time. How is that possible?

It doesn’t take much to make me happy but what it does take is consistency. It doesn’t take a lot to make me happy but what it does take is consistency. Do I need to say it again?

I travel for work and it gets lonely at times. Okay, it gets very lonely. Every little semblance of happiness I can get, I take it and again, it doesn’t take much to make me happy but what it does take is consistency. I fly to Chicago every Sunday and back to Atlanta on Thursdays. I travel Airtran and from the looks of it, I will never choose another airline. Why? Because of one employee who, for reasons not yet clear, I’ll call him Marcus ;-)

About nine months ago, I noticed Marcus. His smile was intoxicating and his demeanor just as inebriating. I walked up to the counter, in January, to upgrade my seat and there was Marcus. He smiled at me and handed me my new ticket-Seat 3F. To this day, that’s the only seat I ever get. I thought nothing of it, until three weeks later, I walked up again and he said, ‘hey Kelly, I already have your upgrade.’ I smiled, took the ticket and sat down, all the while, praying that my armpits would stop sweating. He noticed me and took time out to let me know he did. I thought that was really sweet.-he remembered my name and went out of his way to save me a seat. There are a couple of things that struck me about that. He noticed, he researched and knew what day I’d be flying back to Atlanta and made sure I had that same seat. That, to someone else is no big deal but to me, that gesture made those cold Chicago days feel so much warmer.

The next week, I got to Midway early. I usually book the 5:50pm flight but get to the airport early in the hopes of getting on standby. I walk up to the counter and I see Marcus and this angry black chick there. Before I can say anything, she goes, “if you’re standby, we’ll announce seat availability 40 mins before boarding.” How rude! I turn to walk away and I hear someone, in the most sexy voice say, “Kelly, here you go.” And he handed me my ticket, seat 3F, no less. I take it, smile and walk away, all the while, praying I look okay from the back ;-) Chick was MAD!

This became routine and soon, I was on the phone with my girl Keisha, giving her a play by play of my airport encounters with Marcus. I felt like a teenager with a crush and to me, it was enough to warm my heart and boost my ego. Hey, I’m a simple gal and I don’t require lots of attention but when I get it from the likes of someone like Marcus, it makes me giddy and I like giddy. So, we thought that pretty soon, Marcus would ask me out. I knew it wouldn’t happen, for a few reasons, one which will be made clear at the end (a little foreshadowing there), but because I work in Indiana, fly to Chicago and live Atlanta and he seemed just as shy as I did. Yes, I’m very shy, until I let you in.

It was right after September 11. I didn’t realize that Airtran had changed their flight schedule. I was used to leaving at 5:50pm but now, that flight was departing at 5pm instead. There I was, going through TSA and getting felt up when I hear this announcement, “Kelly Fleming, if you’re in the terminal, please report to Gate A12 for an on-time departure.” You know I hauled ass and when I got to the gate, there was Marcus, smiling and shaking his head. I smiled right back and told him thanks. “You know I have to make sure you get home Kelly,” he said and it was all I could do to keep from blushing. Aaaaah! I adore him ;-)

So, how does he know that I’m flying out ? Well, I presume that he’s gotten my schedule down and he has realized that I’m never on my scheduled flight. When I check my bag, he can see my name on the list and then, he goes ahead and prints my ticket for standby so that I NEVER have to wonder if I’m getting home early. So, about four weeks ago, I get to Midway and all my Airtran peeps had on yellow Airtran T-shirts. It was customer appreciation day. Me, being me, I ask where mine was, since I damn near should have stocks in Airtran, and Marcus being Marcus, says, “I got you.”

Three weeks go by and I’m sitting at Gate A14 with my cousin, waiting to get on yet another standby flight. I didn’t see Marcus and when I don’t, I tend to get worried that I may not get on. Not sure why I even bother. He always comes through for me. Yep, here comes Marcus around the corner, he sees me and turns and walks away. That threw me off. But, about five minutes later, here comes Marcus with a yellow T-shirt in hand, walks over to me and said, ‘I didn’t forget you Kelly’ and hands me a size Large. Now, you know I wanted to kiss him for not getting me an XL ;-) He then proceeds to tell me that he’ll get me a seat. I tell him I need two and he says, “no problem” and comes back with two seats for me and my cousin. And, for no reason, he decided to tell me his weekend plans-out of the blue. I wonder if it had anything to do with him seeing a man with me for the first time. Hmmm!?

I often wonder if he could get in trouble. Technically, I am an Elite member and I do get priority seating but I know that there are other frequent flyers who are always there before me who really should get first preference. But, how can I knock the man for doing what obviously makes him happy? And, me in the process ;-)

But. Today took it over the top. I wanted to get home. I needed to get home. For no particular reason but to be with my boonkie. My class ended early and I got to Midway a 9:30am in the hopes of making it onto the 10:20 flight. I should have known better. So, when I was told I wouldn’t be able to make it, I wasn’t surprised. I’d try for the 12:07pm. I got my behind to A12 with a light fixture in tow-this big ass box I had to take home to my mom. At the gate, I so expected to see Marcus, but it wasn’t him. Random dude. I was all of two hours early. I went to the counter and was told that though I was Elite, there were nine people ahead of me who had been waiting since this morning and would get preference and I would have to wait for the 3pm flight. I felt defeated but accepted that . My flight wasn’t until 6pm anyway and why look a gift horse in the mouth. So, I sat and found a magazine to read. About half an hour later, Marcus walked by, heading to another gate and he didn’t see me, or so I thought.

It was time to board and I didn’t even get up. I knew there was no way I’d be in the ‘A’ early. And then I heard, “Kelly has first preference,” and I turned around and there was Marcus smiling at me. I melted. That damn Marcus. And those other nine people who’d been waiting must have been wondering who the hell Kelly was. I get up and walk over to him and he whispers to me, “You know you never have to worry as long as I’m here” and yes, a tear came to my eye. I’m not sure why. I guess I’m a mushball or it’s simply that I appreciate kindness. I appreciate effort. I appreciate being appreciated.

The guy behind the counter tells Marcus that there were nine people ahead of me and Marcus just gives him the look, like, ‘dude, shhhh; I got this’. And he takes the light fixture and tells me he’ll take care of it. He walks me into the plane, puts my bag in the overhead compartment and then, this made me really smile. He points to seat 3C and says, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t get you your regular seat but at least I’ll get you home.” Are you kidding me right now! Man, I tell you. It was all I could do to stop from hugging him and planting a wet on those lips. But, I held back. I maintained. I just beamed from the inside. I sat down and he looked at me, ‘have a great flight and I’ll see you on Sunday?’ he asked, with a smile. All I could say was, “yes”. And, just like that, my day had been made.

I got right on the phone with Keisha and she just laughed at me. Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ll be the first to say I want the fairytale. I want the love story. I want the happy ending. I want the surprises and unexpected gestures of affection and I’m used to being the one to give it so when it’s reciprocated, I enjoy it thoroughly. And, I show my appreciation wholeheartedly.

This past Sunday, I was on the plane, headed back to Chicago with my girl Shanoa, who travels for work too and I was asking her what to get for Marcus for Christmas. I’d told her about him and that if she ever needed to get on standby, to ask for him, so she knew who he was. “He’s a cutie, isn’t he?” she said and I just smiled. We talked a little and she gave a few suggestions for an Xmas gift (and no, he’s not the only one getting a gift. I have to hook up my Thrifty and Hilton peeps too) but his gift must be special…not too personal but personal enough, so that he knows I really thought about it and that I appreciate everything he’s done for me in the last eleven months.

I’ll tell you what makes this little airport story so special to me. Each week, I feel special. Marcus understands my need to get home and get a few extra hours in Atlanta and he remembers-every single week. He thinks of me-every single week-and he makes sure that I know it. I’m planning a trip to Paris for my birthday and I need to switch airlines to American or Delta so that I can get points for a free flight but it’s so hard to leave Airtran-damn you Marcus!!! I’ll have to wean myself off, I suppose and maybe I’ll find someone who works for Delta or American who’ll make me feel as special. I doubt that very much!

So, big shout out to ‘Marcus’, from Chicago's Midway Airtran. Thanks for making a woman feel like a lady every week and thanks for making a lady feel like a giddy school girl. I only wish you weren’t gay.

You like how I threw that in there at the end?

　

Addendum: I don’t know if he is but I kinda get that vibe and so did Shanoa. God, I hope he never reads this. LOVE YOU 'MARCUS'.

She 'knee-ds' help....for real!!!

So, I'm at Chicago Midway today and I'm going through the normal rigamarole (sp-as if it's a real word). I'm almost there, almost out of the grasp of the TSA. I'm holding Dexter after making it through the Xray thing with him in my arms. I have a black shirt on and he's shedding like crazy. He sheds when he's nervous. All I want is his damn doggie bag to put his little ass back in there but some ass is holding up the process. So, I'm on the other side, looking at my belongings under the Xray belt  tunnel and wishing I could just reach under and grab it, but I don't want to be face down in Chi-town, handcuffed on a Friday.
"Ma'am, go through again," I hear the officer say to this clown.
She goes out and comes back. The thing still beeps.
"Ma'am, do you have a belt on?" the officer asks again.
"Nope", she says and I want to just slap her. Dexter is getting mighty fidgety.
She comes through again. "Ma'am, do you have any piercings?" the officer asks again and I'm hoping she says no because she looks to be over fifty (not saying older folks can't get their nasty on too).
"No, I don't," she says. Thank goodness, I think.
She touches her hair, arms and legs and goes through again. BEEEEEPPPPP!!!!
Now, everyone is pissed and frustrated and probably late for their flight.
Another officer comes up and asks, "Ma'am do you have any replacements?"
And this fool, smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I just had a knee replacement done."
I could have kicked her in the damn knee.
She then proceeds to roll up her right pant leg, up to the knee to reveal this big ass knee, with stitches and what looks like Frankenstein bolts.
"I forgot I got this done," she says.
And everyone heaved a united sigh of disgust.

Here's what the damn thing looked like. Here's what she forgot she had done. ARE YOU SERIOUS LADY?????

Sex 'N the TSA

This is just one of those *SMH* moments ;-)

It's a Friday at Chicago Midway-a busy Friday and she's headed to Atlanta after a long two weeks. The usual mess always goes on no matter when she goes to the airport so why should today be any different. But, it was a little different. This Friday had her standing with her mouth open and a glazed over look in her eyes.

Chalk this up to exhaustion.

Upon approaching the business class line, she notices the purple Cirilla's bag. She knows exactly where it's from and smiles. "Somebody's planning an exciting weekend." The line moves on and now, it's on to the X-ray machine. That's when she starts to giggle. "This should be interesting," she thought. "I bet this is going to set off the machine." And,  guess what, it did? And it got better than that. Check out what had to be removed from the purple Cirilla's bag. Hilarious!

                

Now, what do you say to that? Imagine the embarrassment. Imagine the surprise on the TSA agents' faces. Sheer hilarity. But, one thing can be said. She was not taking a chance of packing them with her luggage and have the airline either destroy or lose them (steal them). You go girl! Get yours and I hope you have a great weekend-alone or with someone ;-)


And, that's what would have happened had she not thought this through and decided to pack them safely away in her luggage, wrapped up in two towels :-)

The Smoking Gun!!

So, I'm back at the airport again and naturally, something silly had to ensue. I don't know about you but, going through TSA isn't as fantastic as one may think. Sure, everybody loves a free feel every now and then....NOT! But, the TSA sure knows how to get their feel on. So, grandma, all of 900 years old was patted down after being asked to go through the X-ray door thing three times. Come to find out, it was her eyeglass chain that was causing the mayhem. Then, little Tommy, all of four had to have mom carry him through after his fifth try because his glasses were titanium. Hmmm, well, no wonder I almost missed my flight.

So, my turn comes and I know the routine-shoes off, belt off, bracelets/bangles off, damn, I take off my glasses, earrings and rings off too. I really don't have time to waste with Mr & Mrs 'I want to feel you up'. I've got a plane to catch. I haven't been home in two weeks, so you already know I'm agitated. So, I put things in the containers, wait to watch them go through the flaps of the X-ray machine and then I go through. 'Beep beep'. I step back out, check myself and there's nothing that I can think of. I go through again. 'Beep beep'. Okay, seriously, what gives? So, I tell the guy I had no idea what could be setting it off. I didn't have a fake eye, teeth or limbs, nor did I have in an old weave I was holding together with hairpins (I'd heard from my coworker that she had that problem the week before). He told me he'd have to have me patted down and have me swabbed. Well, I'd gotten a pap a few weeks back so I surely didn't think I needed one ;-)  But fine! Whatever would get me through and onto my plane.

I step to the side and a burly woMAN comes over to me. I 'm sure she was from Sweden and had been drinking straight testosterone, no chaser. "Can you hold your arms up please?" shim asked. I offered no resistance and held my arms up. She swept me with the wand and I made a wish ;-) I looked over to the other lane and my wish hadn't come through (being facetious).

"Ma'am, do you have anything strapped to your legs?" shim asked. "No, I don't," I responded, suddenly feeling proud that all my 'running up and down stairs for a week' had gotten me rock hard leg muscles that set off TSA machines ;-)

"Okay," shim said. "We're gonna do a GPR swab; hold your hands out please." (I thought it was GSR, but I may be wrong. Is this a western?)
So, I'm thinking-had I said, "Yes, I do," to the 'do you have anything strapped to your leg' question, would I not have been swabbed? And, furthermore, shouldn't you check to see if I had anything there and not just take my word for it? Well, I didn't take the TSA training course and I surely didn't train them, so I can't judge.

I walk over to this box thing with shim and hold out my hands. Shim swabs my fingers on both hands-yes, and my thumb. Then, shim asks me to wait-as if I was going to leave. I'm not trying to get thrown to the ground on GP. I wait and shim tells me that shim will have to swab me again because the scanner showed 'something'. I wanted to ask what that 'something' was but I said, nah, why push it. So, shim swabs me again and I wait. Same deal. "Ma'am, have you fired a gun recently?" shim asked. My mind went all over the place. I wanted to say, "No, but I want to," or "No, but I will on Saturday," or "What does it matter?" but I decided against it. YOu can tell I'm afraid of jail. I don't think I'd fair well getting bottle raped by butch chicks, so I simply replied, 'No, I haven't.'
"Well, this is saying you have," shim said.
I just stand there, rolling my eyes, looking at shim like she had five eyes, thinking, "What do you want me to say?"
Shim goes over and talks to shim's coworker, who just raises his shoulder as if to say, 'what do you want me to do about it?'
Shim comes back, looking stupid, "Well, it's saying you did but you can go on ahead. Thanks."
Uhm, couple of things: Are you serious and are you serious? You mean to tell me that you're just going to let me go? You mean that because I'm telling you that I didn't fire a gun, you're gonna just take my word for it? And, if I did fire a gun, what then? And here's the most important question: Why are you worried about IF I 'FIRED' a gun? Shouldn't you be wondering WHERE THE GUN IS?

Just saying......

Yes, Dexter is a V.I.P!!!!

He Hates Me!!

Dex hates me and I can't blame him. My poor boonkie had to go into a stupid bag and not only be carted around like a common criminal or a piece of meat, but had to be put under the seat in front of me on my flight. A flight that was twenty minutes longer than usual.

Look at his little face :-(



He is a VIP

I love Airtran but I think it's about time they stepped up their game and be the first airline to allow maniacs like me to purchase a seat for her dog. Yep, I said it. Since we treat our animals like family, we should be allowed to travel with them like family. Do you put your mother in law under the seat? I bet some of you will say yes. I probably would if she got outta place. I'll tell you this though, I'll treat Dex better than I would any mother in law-so there. And, he's so much more better behaved than any human I've met :-)

Airtran does have the right idea though. They gave me a big ole', green tag that said, V.I.P (Very Important Pet). Yep, and then, everybody knows I have a dog with me and wants to stop me to ask, "What kind of dog do you have?" "Did they charge you to take him on board?" "Did you drug him?" And, you know how social I am-I just looooovvvee talking to strangers.

So, get on it Airtran, before you switch over to Southwest *gagging at the thought*. I need my boonkie right beside me, in a seat, with his seatbelt on, legs crossed :-)

 

Everything was gravy; then, they took my gravy. I got so pissed; I let it go; now, it's all gravy again :-)

Gimme back my damn Gravy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will's was on point!

My day started off great. It's Thursday and I go home. I got to sleep in late and for the first time in two months, I got to go downstairs for breakfast. Shout out to Hilton Garden Inn, Merrillville, Indiana. They have the best breakfast, cooked to order. I'd just done a little elliptical and so I knew the guilt would not follow me to breakfast. Will, the bomb chef there, made me biscuits and gravy, an egg white omelet and pancakes. Listen to me very closely-or rather, read very carefully. That gravy!??!!! The shiznit!!! I've never tasted anything like it. The chunks of meat were so flavorful and tender. The gravy, not too thick and not runny. Flavor galore. I waxed it off and devoured the rest of my breakfast. I ask Will to give me a cup full to take home for my compadre-I was telling him how good it was and I wasn't sure he understood, so I needed to bring him the magic.

Best airline ever!

I grabbed my cup of gravy and four biscuits and headed to the airport. My flight doesn't leave until this evening at 5pm but my Airtran crew always look out of me. I have never not gotten onto an early flight and moreso, they always make sure I get a business class upgrade. Shout out to Airtan Chicago, Midway!! Love you guys. Today was no different. I got to the ticket counter and saw Lance and Mrs. Williams. Love those two. I approached and they handed me a ticket. I didn't have to say a word. Like I said, they always take care of me. Today, they all had on yellow Airtran T-shirts and when I asked what was going on, they said it was customer appreciation day-and something about Southwest (not too happy that Airtran will soon, be no more). "Where's my shirt?" I asked Lance. "I got you," he said, and smiled. "Afterall, you're kinda like a part of Airtran. You fly with us twice a week." "Yep," I said, smiled and turned to walk away. (I used to have the biggest crush on Lance. I hope he never reads this ;-) 

I start off for the escalator and Lance yells out, "I'll get you your T-shirt for Sunday."  I usually come in on Sunday's. "I'm coming back on Saturday," I said to him. "Okay," he responded and I was off. Off to go through my favorite Thursday routine. TSA. I jest. I go through the business class line and I'm at the front. The officer looks at my ID, without looking up and said, "Oh, hi again." I smile and tell him hi. When you do this twice a week, everyone knows you. That's why I don't quite understand what happened next.

I don't see any gravy in there. She was just hungry

What can I seriously make with this?

I put my laptop in a bin, take my shoes off and put it in a bin with my sandals, my Hobo in another bin and my little bag (with gravy, biscuits, fruit, Reader's Digest) in another bin. I go through the X-ray thing, the one where you stand with your legs apart and arms up.

Got it down to a science. "You may step out," the officer says. I do. "Do you have something on your left leg?" he asks. "I lift the leg of my pants to show my anklet. He smiles and says, "Just messing with you." "Okay, Marquis," I say to him. Like I said, I do this every Sunday and Thursday so I know all the names of the regulars and they remember me. "Excuse me, whose bag is this?" I hear from the officer by the X-ray belt. I look over and of course, she's talking to me. Dammit! I go over and realize I've never seen her before.

"It's mine," I respond.

"You can't bring this coffee through here," she says, holding up my Hilton Garden Inn coffee cup.

Okay, let me explain something before I continue on with this story. Anyone who's had coffee knows what a coffee cup looks like, especially the ones you get at a hotel. They have a lid and a big enough hole at the top, through which you drink. Now, I ask you, could I possibly have coffee in the damn cup, have brought it from an hour away in a car, put it in a bag with handles, in a bin and sent it through the X-ray machine, without it spilling?  Uhm, not to mention that coffee is definitely a liquid and you would feel that, if this were coffee, it would be moving in the cup, the way a liquid does. What an ass, I thought!

"It's not coffee," I say to her, with attitude. I don't know her and she's being retarded.

"Well, what is it?" she asks.

I wanted to say something like 'arsenic' or 'liquid nitrogen' but because I like my orafices intact, I decide against it.

"It's gravy," I say and roll my eyes-because it sounds crazy and I look like a greedy pig who travels with gravy.

"Well, it's a liquid and you can't bring it through," she says.

"It's not a liquid," I say.

"It kinda is," she says, trying to swirl it (now, remember, if it was coffee, it would have been spilling at this point). "As long as it can be poured, you can't bring it through."

Gravy is not a liquid!!!!!

Okay, I took science  in high school, majored in it in college and taught science in high school and freshman college and yes, I know there are four states of matter (solid, liquid, gas and plasma). And my gravy, with it's meaty chunks of goodness is not a liquid and in fact, has more solid in it than not, so lady, you don't know what you're talking about. I should have given her a science lesson but I stopped teaching kids two years ago. LOL! I crack myself up ;-)

By this point, I'm pissed because, one, I want the damn gravy. Two, I want D to taste it like I promised him. Three, I just don't like this chick (yes, don't attack me. I know she's only doing her job). Four, Myron, is looking at me like, "I'm sorry," because he can't help and if it was him, he'd let me slide. Damn you Myron.

I look away from her and start putting my laptop in its case.

"Well, I'll have to take it," she starts, "Unless you want to take it back outside and drink it."

This bitch! I could have spit in her face. But, inside I was smiling, because that ish was rude as hell but so damn funny. How the hell would I look, going back through TSA to go drink a cup of gravy? LMBFGDAO (laughing my big, fat, gravy drinking ass off)

"Nah, you can have it," I say to her, trying to inject a little insult in there. She takes it and dumps it in front of me.

I grab my stuff and stomp away like a little kid, mad because the bad lady took my gravy :-(

You're worried about me and some damn gravy when I'm sure someone here has something so much more dangerous. Can someone explain to me what I could possibly do with a cup of gravy on a plane or some damn lotion or toothpaste, for that matter?  Please!

I finish buckling up my sandals when I hear an announcement, "Kelly Fleming, please report to gate A14 for an on time departure." Damn it, I'm here messing around with 'Gravy Chick' and almost missed my flight. But, Lance had my back, just like he always does. I head on quickly to A14, with 'bag and pan' in hand, minus my delicious gravy, the vile venom for Gravy Chick fading away. I'll just have to learn how to make that gravy and make some for D. And damn it, I didn't have time to go by Nuts on Clark to pick up some popcorn for him either. I got you next time D ;-)

I get to A14 and there's Lance. They must have a teleport machine in this damn airport because he just gave me my ticket at the ticket counter and now, here he is by the damn concourse gate. My first thought was, "Had I known, I would have asked him to take my gravy through." I'm a hoot. How would that have sounded? But, you don't understand how tasty it was-don't judge me. "What took you so long?" he asks and says something about making sure I get home. "Long story," I say, as he scans my boading pass and says, "See you Saturday." I get into the plane and my seat is 3F, by the window and this white dude is in 3E ( I mention his race for a reason). "This is my seat," I say, in my nicest voice.

"Are your sure?" he asks, with furrowed brows. 

I damn near lost it.

The only way to fly!

"What?" I say/ask him, with that look on your face that says, "mutha&u*c%er I do this twice a week-business class and yes, I'm black and a woman. What you saying? !!" I'd never say that out. I'm not crass.

He gets up to let me in and if he had a tail, it would have been between his legs. "I didn't mean anything by it," he says.

I just sit down and search in my bag for my headphones to listen to some Sirius FM, because this dude wants me to sin and I try not to sin, especially when I'm about to go 30,000 plus miles towards God. I'm thinking to myself, "Fool, you did mean something by it. If you didn't, you wouldn't be apologizing. Now shut the hell up and sit your ass down." But, I didn't say that either.

I could tell today would be a trying day. I grab my phone to call my mom and tell her I'll be home early.

From the P.A, the flight attendant exclaims, "Ladies and gentlemen, please power down all electronics with an On and Off switch. And if your neighbor does not comply, please press the flight attendant call button." I damn near peed myself until I saw Mr. 3E eyeing me. I WISH A MUTHA*U&C#@ WOULD!!!! He looks away. Damn right! I power down, but not too quickly. I have to prove a point to him and besides, I'm not trying to be stranded at the airport.  

I tune in to The Heat on Sirius and settle in with my Reader's Digest. "I'll take two Bailey's please," I tell the flight attendant, when she asks if she can get me something to drink. All the while, I'm thinking, 'let's get up to 10,000ft so that I can get onto my gogoinflight and blog about this mess!'

Really, September 11 didn't change the way we live? Yeah, right!!!!!

 

It's Thursday at Atlanta's Hartfield Jackson International Airport, after September 11th. I'm making my way through the sea of business travelers with roller bags. Man, I hate those!! There's nothing I hate more than a selfish roller-bag puller, who doesn't even try to make sure they're not tripping anyone. 

Anyhoo, this blog isn't about that but it offers some foreshadowing. I hit the gate, running, try to trip a woman with a roller bag who wouldn't move out of the way. I needed to go to the bathroom. I make it without leaving a puddle and I'm on my way to the train for baggage claim. This is what the hell I see. 

A doggone line to get onto the escalator. Are you kidding me? Now, keep in mind that I took the pic, so I'm not at the front nor am I at the back.  And they say 9/11 didn't affect us. Get outta here with that mess! Took me about 20 minutes to get down a flight of escalators. You know why? Well, yes, the obvious line but because those clowns with the roller bags don't know how to carry them on an escalator. I hate them, I tell you!  And then, when I finally get to the bottom of the escalator, I don't see why there was a holdup to begin with. Rubbish.

I get outside and traffic is backed up. Atlanta airport is always crazy but there were barriers all over, and police galore! I suppose there might have been some kind of threat or something and Atlanta Hartsfield Jackson is the busiest in the world, so I get it.

On another note and I'm not sure if this has anything to do with September 11, but what the hell is the deal  with people wrapping their luggage with saran wrap? Here these two are, lugging around bags 'o plastic and for what? To keep it clean? That's the whole point of luggage. You know they're going to throw them around, damage them and get them dirty. And, uhm, it's not like you're travelling with LV. I doubt they were even Samsonite ;-) Okay, I jest. Everybody lays claim to their own treasures. Who am I to say a word? But, can someone seriously tell me why the plastic? Please!  And, if you do know why, can you please explain if the plastic has anything to do with safety because I know TSA checks the bags you check (I get those white check sheets in my suitcases all the time-I hope they're not sniffing my undies). How do they get into the bags anyway without tearing the plastic. This is too much. I just don't understand.