She 'knee-ds' help....for real!!!

So, I'm at Chicago Midway today and I'm going through the normal rigamarole (sp-as if it's a real word). I'm almost there, almost out of the grasp of the TSA. I'm holding Dexter after making it through the Xray thing with him in my arms. I have a black shirt on and he's shedding like crazy. He sheds when he's nervous. All I want is his damn doggie bag to put his little ass back in there but some ass is holding up the process. So, I'm on the other side, looking at my belongings under the Xray belt  tunnel and wishing I could just reach under and grab it, but I don't want to be face down in Chi-town, handcuffed on a Friday.
"Ma'am, go through again," I hear the officer say to this clown.
She goes out and comes back. The thing still beeps.
"Ma'am, do you have a belt on?" the officer asks again.
"Nope", she says and I want to just slap her. Dexter is getting mighty fidgety.
She comes through again. "Ma'am, do you have any piercings?" the officer asks again and I'm hoping she says no because she looks to be over fifty (not saying older folks can't get their nasty on too).
"No, I don't," she says. Thank goodness, I think.
She touches her hair, arms and legs and goes through again. BEEEEEPPPPP!!!!
Now, everyone is pissed and frustrated and probably late for their flight.
Another officer comes up and asks, "Ma'am do you have any replacements?"
And this fool, smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I just had a knee replacement done."
I could have kicked her in the damn knee.
She then proceeds to roll up her right pant leg, up to the knee to reveal this big ass knee, with stitches and what looks like Frankenstein bolts.
"I forgot I got this done," she says.
And everyone heaved a united sigh of disgust.

Here's what the damn thing looked like. Here's what she forgot she had done. ARE YOU SERIOUS LADY?????

Sex 'N the TSA

This is just one of those *SMH* moments ;-)

It's a Friday at Chicago Midway-a busy Friday and she's headed to Atlanta after a long two weeks. The usual mess always goes on no matter when she goes to the airport so why should today be any different. But, it was a little different. This Friday had her standing with her mouth open and a glazed over look in her eyes.

Chalk this up to exhaustion.

Upon approaching the business class line, she notices the purple Cirilla's bag. She knows exactly where it's from and smiles. "Somebody's planning an exciting weekend." The line moves on and now, it's on to the X-ray machine. That's when she starts to giggle. "This should be interesting," she thought. "I bet this is going to set off the machine." And,  guess what, it did? And it got better than that. Check out what had to be removed from the purple Cirilla's bag. Hilarious!

                

Now, what do you say to that? Imagine the embarrassment. Imagine the surprise on the TSA agents' faces. Sheer hilarity. But, one thing can be said. She was not taking a chance of packing them with her luggage and have the airline either destroy or lose them (steal them). You go girl! Get yours and I hope you have a great weekend-alone or with someone ;-)


And, that's what would have happened had she not thought this through and decided to pack them safely away in her luggage, wrapped up in two towels :-)

The Smoking Gun!!

So, I'm back at the airport again and naturally, something silly had to ensue. I don't know about you but, going through TSA isn't as fantastic as one may think. Sure, everybody loves a free feel every now and then....NOT! But, the TSA sure knows how to get their feel on. So, grandma, all of 900 years old was patted down after being asked to go through the X-ray door thing three times. Come to find out, it was her eyeglass chain that was causing the mayhem. Then, little Tommy, all of four had to have mom carry him through after his fifth try because his glasses were titanium. Hmmm, well, no wonder I almost missed my flight.

So, my turn comes and I know the routine-shoes off, belt off, bracelets/bangles off, damn, I take off my glasses, earrings and rings off too. I really don't have time to waste with Mr & Mrs 'I want to feel you up'. I've got a plane to catch. I haven't been home in two weeks, so you already know I'm agitated. So, I put things in the containers, wait to watch them go through the flaps of the X-ray machine and then I go through. 'Beep beep'. I step back out, check myself and there's nothing that I can think of. I go through again. 'Beep beep'. Okay, seriously, what gives? So, I tell the guy I had no idea what could be setting it off. I didn't have a fake eye, teeth or limbs, nor did I have in an old weave I was holding together with hairpins (I'd heard from my coworker that she had that problem the week before). He told me he'd have to have me patted down and have me swabbed. Well, I'd gotten a pap a few weeks back so I surely didn't think I needed one ;-)  But fine! Whatever would get me through and onto my plane.

I step to the side and a burly woMAN comes over to me. I 'm sure she was from Sweden and had been drinking straight testosterone, no chaser. "Can you hold your arms up please?" shim asked. I offered no resistance and held my arms up. She swept me with the wand and I made a wish ;-) I looked over to the other lane and my wish hadn't come through (being facetious).

"Ma'am, do you have anything strapped to your legs?" shim asked. "No, I don't," I responded, suddenly feeling proud that all my 'running up and down stairs for a week' had gotten me rock hard leg muscles that set off TSA machines ;-)

"Okay," shim said. "We're gonna do a GPR swab; hold your hands out please." (I thought it was GSR, but I may be wrong. Is this a western?)
So, I'm thinking-had I said, "Yes, I do," to the 'do you have anything strapped to your leg' question, would I not have been swabbed? And, furthermore, shouldn't you check to see if I had anything there and not just take my word for it? Well, I didn't take the TSA training course and I surely didn't train them, so I can't judge.

I walk over to this box thing with shim and hold out my hands. Shim swabs my fingers on both hands-yes, and my thumb. Then, shim asks me to wait-as if I was going to leave. I'm not trying to get thrown to the ground on GP. I wait and shim tells me that shim will have to swab me again because the scanner showed 'something'. I wanted to ask what that 'something' was but I said, nah, why push it. So, shim swabs me again and I wait. Same deal. "Ma'am, have you fired a gun recently?" shim asked. My mind went all over the place. I wanted to say, "No, but I want to," or "No, but I will on Saturday," or "What does it matter?" but I decided against it. YOu can tell I'm afraid of jail. I don't think I'd fair well getting bottle raped by butch chicks, so I simply replied, 'No, I haven't.'
"Well, this is saying you have," shim said.
I just stand there, rolling my eyes, looking at shim like she had five eyes, thinking, "What do you want me to say?"
Shim goes over and talks to shim's coworker, who just raises his shoulder as if to say, 'what do you want me to do about it?'
Shim comes back, looking stupid, "Well, it's saying you did but you can go on ahead. Thanks."
Uhm, couple of things: Are you serious and are you serious? You mean to tell me that you're just going to let me go? You mean that because I'm telling you that I didn't fire a gun, you're gonna just take my word for it? And, if I did fire a gun, what then? And here's the most important question: Why are you worried about IF I 'FIRED' a gun? Shouldn't you be wondering WHERE THE GUN IS?

Just saying......